Here we are. Mecca of the 90s shirt. Big Johnson. You know. You hate him. But also kinda like it. It’s the illustrated redneck trash can featuring a nerdy man, busty women and his fat old pig. They are dated. Offensive. And damn awful. But damn it, I can’t even sit here and act like Big Johnson shirts don’t move on some level. And that level is the lowest possible level of my intellect, my soul and my brain, but damn, it’s still somewhere down there.
With this kind of shirts, I really like to imagine the men who wear them. And, more specifically, the occasions on which they wear them. I don’t know if I’ve ever found myself in a scenario where I could confidently pull this thing out of the dresser. Surely you’ve lived a pretty amazing life when you put yourself in a place where you can wear t-shirts to get your big dick taken anywhere but in the total darkness of your own basement. I dream of this world. I hope that this paradise will one day exist for me. And I believe in my heart that the real Christian paradise is this place. Every big, beautiful soul walks from cloud to cloud in the Big Johnson shirt of their choice. I’ll know I’ve had a great life when I can punch Mother Teresa out of Heaven Gym and tell her that today’s Big Johnson shirt she’s wearing really cracks me up.
What they’re saying here, in case you’re not following, is that even if you have that cool big dick, it’s still not safe to bungee jump using your cool big dick as a bungee cord . This is medical advice from the Big Johnson Company not to tie your dick around a bridge and jump around and hope it stretches and lowers and then pulls you up because even if you have a big dick cool, they can’t make any promises that you won’t die when you bungee jump off your cool big dick.
I’d love to say that this incredible art style is wasted here, but I really don’t believe it. Whoever did these things was clearly just a scientist. Was he touched by God and given the opportunity to compose a masterpiece out of nothing? No. Did he have the ability, no, downright the duty in his soul to put pen to paper and pure poetry to spread? Not him. God took him aside and said, “Son, when you come down to earth, I have a very special mission for you and your talents. You’re going to spend your whole life finding clever ways to mask a man’s penis in various redneck scenarios with a cheeky one-liner to go along with it. You, my son, are going to be the artist of Big Johnson’s t-shirt, and you are also Jesus Christ. You’re my real son Jesus Christ, and I’m sending you back disguised as the Big Johnson t-shirt artist to see if people realize how well they got it and how that’s it, that’s the pinnacle of the mountain, we wear shirts on our big dicks and life will never get better or easier from here, so they better stop the fighting and war and other bullshit.
Thumbnail: Nude Student, Big Johnson